


I'm trying to give the impression that I get the message you wish I was dead

by movingforthesakeofmotion



Category: Power Rangers (2017)
Genre: BUT IN THE WORDS OF SIMPLE PLAN 'WELCOME TO MY LIFE' LMAO, F/F, I WAS LISTENING TO HALSEY'S NEW ALBUM AND THINKING ABOUT AN EX AND THIS HAPPENED, I'm Sorry, I'm so sorry, IT'S NOT A HAPPY ENDING I'M WARNING YOU FROM NOW!, IT'S VERY PAINFUL, this is literally just angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-16 11:20:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11252073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/movingforthesakeofmotion/pseuds/movingforthesakeofmotion
Summary: They’d spent the better part of four months throwing casual glances and smiles and flirtatious winks at each other, spent four months talking whenever they bumped into each other in the hallways, spent four months as acquaintances, as secret friends.It was a mistake.The best and worst mistake she’s ever made.





	I'm trying to give the impression that I get the message you wish I was dead

**Author's Note:**

> title fic from 'Lie' by Halsey ft. Quavo.
> 
> THIS IS SO ANGSTY BUT I'M NOT SORRY. This is what happens when you get caught up thinking about your ex. Heh. Anyway, comments are appreciated!

It’s quiet.

Way, way, way too quiet.

She feels like maybe she should say something. Something to break the silence, to ease the tension, to make this all okay, but there’s no words forming in her mind.

All she has are memories and the darkness around her. The feel of her skin, the touch of her hand, the quiet, breathy moans-

“Kimberly?” Her voice is quiet, hoarse, a breathless whisper shattering the silence like a sledgehammer thrown into a glass window and she closes her eyes and breathes, breathes and doesn’t say a word back to her.

She needs her to say something. But she’s scared for her to say anything.

She knows her next words will cut her open and break her heart in two. 

“Kimberly, say something.” Her fingers curl around her wrist, her grip tight and firm as she lets out a shaky breath and says her name one more time, quietly, a whisper in the air around them and it breaks her.

“It was a mistake.” 

She bites down on her lip to stop the whimper that escapes her. Kimberly’s hand slides out of her reach and she’s standing, grabbing her clothes that are littered on the ground around her in the dark.

She doesn’t look at her.

“It was a mistake, Trini. It won’t happen again.” 

And just like that, four months of glances and missed smiles and small moments alone are thrown into a fire and burned into oblivion.

“I want it to happen again.” She doesn’t mean to say it, doesn’t mean for it to escape her like it does, in a hoarse cry of sadness, a pleading tone that Trini wishes she could erase, but it’s out there. It’s been said, and Kimberly doesn’t move for a moment as she adjusts her clothes before she makes her way to the door. 

She pauses with her hand on the doorknob.

“We don’t even know each other. I was...I was looking for someone to make me feel better, and you did. But that’s it.” 

And then she’s leaving Trini alone in her room, naked and alone under her covers, a dirty secret to be kept hidden in the darkness as the loud sounds of music and drunken partying echo around her.

And Trini cries until she doesn’t have any tears left.

The next day at school, no one can stop talking about the party Trini wishes she could forget.

She passes Kimberly in the hallway, with her cheerleading outfit on and her long hair flowing as she laughs at something Ty says, and she stares and stares until Kimberly’s gaze finally meets hers.

And instead of the usual smile and the casual flirtatious wink they usually exchange, Kimberly’s smile fades and Trini drops her gaze to the ground, passing her with her boots echoing on the ground as she does. 

She goes to Biology, and when Kimberly passes her, her floral scent hitting Trini like a freight train and making her grip her pencil so hard it snaps in her hand, she doesn’t turn back to look at her, doesn’t even glance in her general direction.

But she can feel Kimberly’s eyes on her, burning holes into the back of her head. 

It was a mistake.

They’d spent the better part of four months throwing casual glances and smiles and flirtatious winks at each other, spent four months talking whenever they bumped into each other in the hallways, spent four months as acquaintances, as secret friends.

It was a mistake. 

The best and worst mistake she’s ever made. 

When Trini enters the girls bathroom one day to find Kimberly looking at herself in the mirror, she feels her heart drop and she freezes when Kimberly’s eyes move up to meet hers in the mirror.

“Trini-.”

“I’m leaving.” She turns to the door, about to exit, but Kimberly’s suddenly dashing across the room with a superhuman speed as she throws her hand against the door to stop her from opening it.

“Can we talk, please?” Trini doesn’t look at her, keeps her gaze on the floor.

“I have nothing to say. Move.”

“Trini-.”

“I wish I’d never met you.” 

She looks her in the eyes when she says it, and it’s venomous, the way the words escape her in a tone that suggests murder, and when Kimberly staggers back and looks at her with wide, hurt eyes, Trini takes the opportunity to push past her and out of the door. 

The months go by with the same awkwardness, the same tension, the same anger that brews inside her and the same insecurities that hit her whenever Kimberly’s floral scent invades her senses. 

She endures the torture, until she comes along.

Tommy Oliver.

At first, it’s strange. She’s this quiet girl who comes walking through the school hallways as if she owns the place already, long dark brown hair falling down her back and Trini can feel her heart pounding against her chest as Tommy’s hazel eyes meet hers, a smile playing on her lips. 

When Tommy walks into Biology and sits next to Trini, she finds for the first time in a long time that she doesn’t need to make an effort not to look back at Kimberly.

Tommy is nice. Tommy is beyond gorgeous, with a beautiful soul and an even more beautiful heart.

She talks with Trini, sticks by her side, confides in her as the months go by.

When Trini tells her she’s gay, Tommy smiles and grips her hands and leans in with a soft whisper.

“Knew we had a little something in common.”

When she kisses her, Trini’s world doesn’t explode, but her heart races and she kisses her back. 

With Tommy, it’s easy. She doesn’t keep her secret, doesn’t bury her in the darkness and hide her away from sight. And Trini returns the favor, not caring, for once in her life, what anybody else thinks.

Tommy kisses her cheek and holds her hand in the hallways, and she sends her texts with cute little hearts and smiles.

She makes the endless barrage of anger and teasing and torture from the other students, the yells of ‘dyke’ and ‘dirty lesbian’ bearable. 

And then, all too suddenly and all too soon, she’s leaving.

Angel Grove was just a pit stop for her family, something about her father getting a really great promotion, and Trini knows all about having to move when your family does.

So she smiles and tells her it’s okay even though her heart hurts and she feels like dying.

She hugs Tommy for a long time, unable to let her go, and it doesn’t hit her that the only reason she isn’t letting go is because Tommy is her safety net until she’s alone in her room that night, crying into her pillow, and all she can think of is the feeling of Kimberly’s skin against her own. 

When Trini shows up to school without Tommy by her side, she gets bombarded with an endless barrage of questions.

“What did you do to your girlfriend, you little lesbian? She was hot to look at.”

“Trouble in Dyke Paradise, Deedee?” 

She clenches her fist and pushes past the people who harass her, doesn’t even look up when Jason Scott yells at everyone to shut up and leave her alone, shrugs his hand off when he touches her shoulder and doesn’t reply when he asks her if she’s okay.

When she reaches the bathroom, she locks herself into a cubicle and spends the better part of the day crying.

She quiets down whenever someone comes in, until, at one point, someone comes in and doesn’t leave.

“Trini?” 

The sound of her voice has Trini’s throat closing up, and she buries her head into her hands and refuses to answer.

“Trini, I’m so sorry about Tommy. I know how much she meant to you.” 

And the truth is she did mean a lot to her.

Trini’s pretty sure a part of her actually loved her.

But nothing can ever come close to how much she loves the girl on the opposite side of the door she’s currently hiding behind.

And fuck, she hates it more than she’s ever hated anything before in her life. 

She exits the cubicle, doesn’t look at Kimberly as she walks to the sinks, but Kimberly grips her wrist and turns her around gently.

“Trini, talk to me.”

“Leave me alone, please.” Her voice cracks from the lack of use, and fresh tears fall down her face, and she wants to curl up into a ball and die, but Kimberly doesn’t move.

“I just want to help.” She whispers.

“Why? You don’t give a shit about me, you never have.” Her anger is getting to her again, and Kimberly’s eyes grow wide as she scoffs in disbelief.

“Trini I do care about you! I do, why...god, why would you even think that I don’t?”

“You said it was a mistake.” Her voice is quiet, and she sees Kimberly pale right before her eyes as she clenches her jaw.

“I...I didn’t mean...I’m with Ty-.”

“Yeah, I know.” Trini brushes away her tears and makes her way to the door, and this time, Kimberly doesn’t stop her until she reaches the door and opens it slightly.

“So that’s it? It’s over? What...what about us? What about our friendship?” She asks. Trini’s back tenses, but she doesn’t look back at her.

“What friendship? All we ever did was look at each other in the hallways. There never was an ‘us’.” 

Trini’s already gone by the time a quiet sob escapes Kimberly, echoing in the tiled bathroom of Angel Grove High.

Life continues in this way. Trini throws glares at Kimberly whenever she can, with enough venom and enough anger to possibly have Kimberly dropping dead at any second now, and Kimberly continues to attempt to build the courage to properly apologize to her, and fails every time.

At one point she waits at Trini’s locker, only to have Trini walk straight past it without grabbing any of her books, and when she reaches out and grabs her, Trini throws her arm away and rests a hand against her shoulder, pinning her to the locker with enough pressure to have Kimberly looking at her in shock.

“What part of leave me the fuck alone don’t you get?” She hisses.

“Please, I just want to talk-.” Kimberly whimpers out, but Trini scoffs and lets her go before crossing her arms over her chest.

“I hate you.” She growls, and then she’s walking away and Kimberly’s collapsing down the locker with tears falling down her face before she can stop them.

And it’s strange, because somehow, despite the fact that they’ve spent months apart now, despite the fact that it’s been a year now, a year of this back and forth between them, fate somehow throws them together in the strangest way possible. 

When rumors begin to circulate around the school that during a party over the weekend, Kimberly had caught Ty and Amanda having sex, Trini tries her best not to care. 

Tries her best to keep walking and ignore the whispers.

But when Kimberly walks down the hallway with red rimmed eyes and a haunting expression filled with anger and sadness, Trini can’t help but frown when Kimberly doesn’t make eye contact with anyone.

When Trini sees Kimberly walk up to Ty later on in the day, she wants to run in and stop her.

But she doesn’t.

Ty calls her the meanest girl he’s ever met. Trini kind of agrees with him.

Then Kimberly punches him. 

Trini watches his tooth fly through the air as he falls back and hits the ground, and before Trini can do anything, the rest of the school gathers around them and blocks Kimberly from her view.

She apparently gets sentenced to spending every Saturday in detention for the rest of the school year, and Trini think it’s the least she deserves.

She may be a bit biased, her personal feelings getting involved, but still.

Trini should know by now, however, that Karma is a fucking bitch.

When Trini finds Kimberly Hart with Jason Scott, Zack Taylor and Billy Cranston at the bottom of the Cliff she usually meditates at, she scoffs with disbelief and tells them to leave, and then the Cliff is suddenly collapsing and her entire life is changing before she can stop it.

They find the Power Coins, they become the Power Rangers, and Trini is forced to deal with Kimberly Hart being a permanent part of her life now.

She has every intention of running away when the boys jump down that Cliff the day after they find the Power Coins, and when Kimberly calls out to her, she keeps walking anyway, not a single ounce of care in her bones until Kimberly grabs her hand and forces her to face her.

“We can’t run from this.” And Trini can sense the double meaning behind the sentence even if it’s intentional or not, and before she can respond, Kimberly’s grabbing her and dragging her off the Cliff, their screams echoing in the cave as they land in the water.

Trini’s numb by the time she gets home that night, because she’s pretty sure her life has just been changed forever, and against her will, too. 

And she curses every God she knows for having Kimberly Hart become a part of that change.

But she forces herself to be mature, to push through her anger and her fear and focus on training so they can defeat Rita Repulsa.

Kimberly seems to have the same idea, because she doesn’t approach her about it at all for the first few days.

But then she’s asking Trini if they can get coffee after school, and Trini is stupidly agreeing.

When they get to Krispy Kreme, they share a slice of cake, and it’s silent.

It’s silent and awkward and Trini hates it.

“Trini, I need you to know...I never meant to hurt you.” Trini watches her, sees the pain in her eyes as she watches Trini with careful eyes, and Trini shrugs.

“Yeah well, you did. So...”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Look, it’s in the past, okay? All that matters right now is defeating Rita and saving the world or whatever.” 

“Trini-.”

“I don’t want to talk about it, okay? I can’t.” It’s rough, cuts through any defense Kimberly’s about to bring to the table, and she watches as Kimberly swallows the lump in her throat and nods.

“Okay.” 

When Kimberly drives her home after training, Trini doesn’t say a word, unable to speak or form words, but the song playing on Kimberly’s radio is echoing in the car and she glares at it as if it’s committing a crime against her because the lyrics are stabbing her in the heart. 

_“I run away when things are good, and never really understood_  
_The way you laid your eyes on me, in ways that no one ever could_  
_And so it seems I broke your heart, my ignorance has struck again_  
_I failed to see it from the start, and tore you open ‘til the end”_

When they pull up to Trini’s house, she goes to leave, but Kimberly grabs her hand to stop her. When Trini turns to look at her, she sees Kimberly is crying, tears falling down her face as she smiles sadly.

“I know you don’t want to talk about it. But I do. I do want to talk about it and I want you, no...I need you to know that I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t mean to be such a bitch, but it was a mistake. But not for the reasons you think. It was a mistake because I shouldn’t have cheated on Ty. Because it was wrong to do that, because it was wrong to sleep with you when I was still with someone else. Because I used you to make myself feel better because I was feeling alone, because I was empty, and because...because I ruined whatever chance we had, and I’m sorry. But I’m not sorry because you deserve so much better than me, Trini. You do.” 

She lets her go.

Trini’s frozen for a second, and then she’s throwing open the door and leaving before Kimberly can get another word in, but not before the radio echoes through and hits her before she leaves.

_“Someone will love you_  
_Someone will love you_  
_Someone will love you_  
_But someone isn’t me.”_

When Trini comes out to the others at the bonfire, Kimberly watches her with careful eyes, as if she’s staring deep into her soul, and Trini ends up leaving straight afterwards, unable to take her constant staring, or the way she wants nothing more than to reach across the fire and touch her, kiss her, worship her…

She’s in love with Kimberly Hart, and Kimberly Hart is not in love with her.

That much is evident when Rita Repulsa attacks her, and Kimberly Hart kisses Jason Scott, all in one night.

When Rita attacks her, Trini thinks it wouldn’t so bad to die.

She fights, mostly for the others, mostly because her mind is kicking into fight mode despite her wishes, but she doesn’t put up much of an effort.

When Rita wraps a hand around her throat and squeezes, Trini thinks it wouldn’t be the most horrible way to go.

But Rita spares her, and Trini’s forced to confront her friends and show them how pathetic she is as she relays Rita’s message to them.

When Billy dies, Trini wishes she could die with him. She forgets her anger at Kimberly, forgets her anger at everything, and wishes she could trade places with Billy because he was the best of all of them.

Then Zordon brings Billy back, they morph, truly become Power Rangers and defeat Rita Repulsa, bitch slapping her into space as Jason and Trini laugh at what they’ve just done, both of them operating the arm of the MegaZord to do the same thing at the same time. 

And when they’re all nursing their wounds in the Pit with grins on their faces and donuts in their hands, and Jason is sitting beside Trini and watching her with a grin, he leans in and whispers into her ear.

“Kimberly kissed me before Rita attacked.”

And Trini can’t breathe.

Trini doesn’t move, doesn’t look at him, just stares blankly at the yellow donut in her hand that she drops to the ground, no longer finding it appetizing, finding anything appetizing as Jason barely pays attention to her reaction and chuckles, running a hand through his hair.

“Should I ask her out? I don’t wanna freak her out, you know?”

“I have to go.”

“What?” 

She’s standing, walking away as fast as she can before her heart can truly break, and she can hear someone chasing her, and when she hears her voice call out her name, she cries out in pain before she can stop herself.

And then Kimberly’s soft hands are gripping her wrist and turning her around to face her, and Trini stares, stares into her dark brown eyes with as much pain and grief as she can, and when Kimberly’s bottom lip trembles, Trini thinks she gets the message.

“Trini…”

“Rita was attacking me and you were kissing Jason.” She says, surprised at how steady her voice is, and it’s so weird how quickly it seems to hit her.

Kimberly Hart doesn’t love her.

Kimberly Hart doesn’t deserve her.

And Kimberly Hart knows that, because she’s crying now, biting down on her bottom lip to stop herself as much as she can, but failing miserably, and Trini is walking forward and taking her face into her hands and kissing her.

And Kimberly is kissing her back, whining against her lips until Trini pulls away and rests her forehead against Kimberly’s breathlessly for a few seconds before pulling away. 

“If you use Jason like you used me, I’ll kill you. Treat him right. He deserves better, so you be better for him.” 

“Wait, Trini-.”

“No. No more. I can’t do it.” She whispers, and Kimberly is shaking as she grips the back of Trini’s shirt.

“Trini, please-.”

“I’m done pretending. I’m done lying to myself, I’m done pretending you love me, Kim. I’m done.” She moves away, and Kimberly stops her again.

“I do love you. I do.” She whispers, but Trini scoffs and shakes her head.

She knows when Kimberly’s lying.

“No, you don’t. Not like I love you.” And she’s walking away, ignoring Kimberly’s desperate calls for her to come back, making her way up the lake and back to the Cliff before she truly breaks down.

When Kimberly climbs through her window later on that night, Trini simply stares at her until she walks over and sits down at the end of her bed, eyes watching Trini in the darkness as she cries silently, and Trini doesn’t let up, keeping her face blank, trying to push down the hatred she feels toward the brunette before her until Kimberly nods once and stands.

“I’ll leave…but Trini, I…I’m sorry. I want to be the one for you, but-.”

“You’re not. You’re not the one for me. Now get out.” 

And Kimberly chokes on a sob and nods once, but stops just before she reaches the window and looks at her with a sad smile.

“Do you hate me? Do you wish I was dead?” She asks softly, and when Trini doesn’t reply, Kimberly whimpers and nods once, smiling despite her pain before climbing through the window. 

And Trini breaks down and cries in her bed, curled up into a ball and trying her best not to scream as she bites down on her pillow with one thing running through her head.

It’s over.

But the truth is, it was over before it even began.


End file.
